Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
