I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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