I wish my penis had an off switch
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
There's even glitter on my cock...
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