my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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