i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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