I wish I could teleport
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
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