I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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