One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
