apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
