genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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