If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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