You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I could fuck to npr.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
