thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
