dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
barbara walters just said penis...
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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