i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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