It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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