I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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