he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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