worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
my sisters under your porch take her home
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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