Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
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