Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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