Who wears a wallet chain?!
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
