Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
