True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
