I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
