Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
