It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
