dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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