life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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