i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
