the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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