You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
