im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
of course. lets lasso hookers.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
