I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Pants are for mortals
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
