I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
