I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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