I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
