look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
