Got a toothbrush?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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