nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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