Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
