How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
