if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
