It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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