According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
