the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
