I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
