remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize