Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Drake has all the answers
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
