i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
