I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
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