I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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