Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
