I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
