Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
