I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
