there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
