I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
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