Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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